- At the end of chapter 7, Gottman highlights the importance of forgiveness in marriage. Explain why forgiveness is so vital to a strong marriage. Share an example that illustrates the importance of forgiveness in marriage.
Pride, anger, and lack of forgiveness have been difficult sins for me to control in my life.
Elder Robbins in the Ensign article, Agency and Anger, discusses how becoming angry "is a conscious choice, a decision; therefore, we can make the choice not to become angry." He continues by saying, “Aggression, … suppressing the anger, talking about it, screaming and yelling,” are all learned strategies in dealing with anger. We choose the one that has proved effective for us in the past." He quotes Christ who said, "Can ye be angry, and not sin?" All of these led up to a very simple yet profound statement, "And we can make that choice today, right now: “I will never become angry again.”
From these chosen excerpts, I have come to see how my anger has controlled me throughout my life. I allow it to influence my decisions which has lead to treating others unkindly, especially my husband. My anger is never violent. I mainly get loud in my tone and I am accusatory, it is essentially the four horsemen (criticism, defensiveness, contempt, and stonewalling). When I get angry, it intertwines with pride and I choose to withhold forgiveness as well as choosing to not say sorry. I avoid taking ownership of my mistakes. If I perceive the other has the cause, and I know I am right, then it is even worse. I close myself off from the other person's influence. Over the years, I have chosen to understand and resolve issues rather than getting angry. Sometimes, I relapse unconsciously. It is usually when I am reactive. I react instead of choosing a more appropriate response. It has been difficult for me to be forgiving when I have been wronged. I seek justice and for fairness to be restored through the other person correcting their mistake. I expect them to pay their debt or to rectify the situation. When others do not meet my expectation, it is hard to regain my trust. This causes a barrier between me and the other person.
Christ has shown us a better way. I have come to see that the Savior has paid their debt already (line crosses out words for emphasis to indicate that He has paid it in full as though it is not there any more). He paid the price for their sin. I am supposed to turn to Him and forgive the other person. Christ is able to restore what they took from me. He is able to not only restore what they took, but He is able to make me whole. Turning to Christ is like the key to that door. Christ is waiting at the door of forgiveness ready to help us heal. He in turn is seeking to help the person who caused the pain to overcome their sin or weakness. Christ is able to heal and restore the relationship to make it whole. I know that this has happened in my marriage. Engaging in the four horsemen has caused me to hurt my husband's emotional state. I had to turn to Christ and ask for forgiveness and let Him change me. In turn, I had to say sorry and ask for forgiveness from my husband.
He forgives me more readily than anyone I have ever known. His example of forgiveness has shown me the blessings that come from forgiveness. He shows me love, understanding, and support. He seeks to help me overcome my weaknesses. His ability to sacrifice his own pain by giving it to the Savior has shown that the process of healing can come to both people. I have overcome many sins because of my dear husband. He truly has loved me by looking past my sins and seeing my potential.
I can see that if I am a little more understanding, loving, and kind, that I can help others overcome their mistakes and sins. The forgiveness I extend can enrich and bless their lives. There are times when the sin is intentional or unintentional. The ones I struggle with most are the intentional sins. Those who knowingly wrong me. That is what I struggle with because I feel like maybe they do not care or love me enough to not do it. I know I can't fully know the other person's heart. Only Christ knows them. What He has asked me to do is to forgive. Therefore, I will choose to not be angry and turn to Christ in order to forgive the debt of the other person for I know Christ has already paid it and will help heal me so that I can become whole. I can also pray for the other person. I have often done this and Christ has shown me that I need to change something that I am doing. This goes back to pride. It can sometimes make us blind to what is happening. I could be the one who misunderstood and I need to be forgiven. Remaining humble and repentant are my goals because by doing them it will bring me peace and healing.
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