Staying Emotionally Connected

What are the little ways in which you stay connected by turning toward your spouse, or someone close to you? What impact do these little actions have on your relationship?
My husband and I stay connected in many ways each and every day. I will discuss them in more detail by using Gottman’s “bids for attention” as associated with the discussion board question:


What are the “bids for attention” you or someone close to you use to turn toward one another? When a bid for attention is given, how readily do you pick up on it and respond by engaging with your spouse/other person in a discussion or activity?
As I do that I will also explain how these little actions impact my relationship.
From Gottman’s book, pg. 81, I will use the “bids for attention” as they apply to my relationship.

Bids for attention	Impact on my relationship
I look forward to spending my free time with my partner.	Having this excitement to see my husband gives me something to look forward to each day, especially when I am having a bad day. I know that I can trust that he will be there and provide needed support.
At the end of the day my partner is glad to see me.	I am glad that I can know that my husband still likes me after all these years and we still feel “butterflies” for each other. His reaction helps me to feel secure in our relationship.
My partner is usually interested in hearing my views.	Knowing that my husband will listen to, respect, and ask my opinion is a big deal. He strives to include me because he sees that my different perspective could enhance his own and vice versa. We continue to grow because we let the other influence us.

I really enjoy discussing things with my partner.	I am eager to talk to my husband about things because I know that he will have a great insight that I might not think of. I know that talking with him will help me grow and learn something new.
My partner is one of my best friends.	My husband is my best friend forever. That sounds cliché but it is true in every sense. He has stood by my side through so much. Our bond gives me the confidence in his loyalty and reliability. It allows me to know I can go to him for anything, even when I make a mistake.
I think my partner would consider me a very close friend.	My husband is open and honest with me, which I greatly appreciate. He tells me how it is in a gentle loving way, which helps me to see my weaknesses and receive support from him to overcome them.
We just love talking to each other.	Knowing that I can strike up a conversation with my husband about anything makes me feel comfort and peace. I know that we can share anything and just enjoy the topic regardless of what it is.
When we go out together, the time goes very quickly.	It saddens me how little time we get together, but the quality of the time we spend tends to make time go by so fast. I am fulfilled with happiness and satisfaction with the time we do get together.
We always have a lot to say to each other.	Trent and I can talk about so much together and we can have very long conversations because it starts with one thing and leads to other topics. Our topics are interconnected because it covers all aspects of our lives together.
We have a lot of fun together.	We can usually have fun in anything that we do if we are together. If we are cleaning, studying, shopping, and more. We make every situation fun because we value being happy, especially together. Having fun reinforces us liking the time we have each other.
We are spiritually very compatible.	Sharing spiritual experiences truly enhances our relationship on a whole new level. It deepens our convictions and our commitment to one another. We strive to live gospel principles and we observe how one another does this and it helps us learn how to improve.
We tend to share the same basic values.	We share values, which helps us to work together as a team. There are some differing values, but we respect and honor our spouse’s desires. We try to consider what is important and seek to make it important to us. We find that there is less conflict and more harmony or unity. Even if there was conflict, we would talk it out constructively and find a reasonable solution.
We like to spend time together in similar ways.	We have similar interests which makes it easier to find fun things to do. It is nice that we can come up with an idea or contribute ideas.
We really have a lot of common interests.	We share a lot in common. Our common interests lead to successful outcomes, yet we remain open to new ideas or activities. We love trying new things together.
We have many of the same dreams and goals.	We are able to work together, which binds us together in the goals. When we are committed together, then we are not competing. We are finding solutions together and working together. It feels good to have support and friendship as we go forward. When we face hardship, we do so together which helps to alleviate the burden.
We like to do a lot of the same things.	We do enjoy the same things, but we value differences and celebrate them.
Even though our interests are somewhat different, I enjoy my partner’s interests.	We like to do what the other is interested in, even if it isn’t our favorite. We do so because we care deeply for the other’s happiness. We have a good balance though.
Whatever we do together, we usually tend to have a good time.	We enjoy living life together. It builds up our happiness.
My partner tells me when he or she has had a bad day.	My husband can share his joys and fears with me and I with him. We are able to provide the needed support that helps to alleviate the pain or to celebrate the good times. It is nice knowing I have someone to share everything with because I am able to feel secure and be open.

Overall, my husband and I turn to each other every day. It truly enriches my life and deepens the bond we share. I can’t imagine my life without him. He really is the best part of my day. He inspires me to become a better person. I know that I will receive love, support, guidance, and protection from him each and every day. I know I can trust him and rely upon him whenever I need him. He often foresees moments when I need him before I even realize it. He is already there to lend an ear or a hand. He truly thinks about me in every decision he makes. When we turn to each other, it helps us become one or united. It is a glorious and heavenly experience that is hard to describe, but the best thing ever. The effort and time to do it is worth it because it blesses our lives individually and collectively. It blesses our marriage for time and all eternity.

Cherishing Your Spouse

Our reading was so great that there were so many things that I felt were necessary to include in this discussion board post. Feel free to read them or pass them up to my comments.

Once married, we quickly learn that sacrifice (giving up something very important and meaningful to you) becomes necessary for a close, strong marriage. For those who are married, what sacrifices have you willingly made for the sake of your marriage or spouse? How has the sacrifice impacted your marriage? Here is another question that will require soul-searching, humility, and charity: What sacrifice are you currently withholding in marriage that if given willingly, would touch your spouse or your marriage in an important way?

Goddard: Drawing Heaven into Your Marriage, Chapter 2: Obedience and Sacrifice-Willing to Submit to All Things.

Quotes from reading:

“Afflictions are the process by which God cultivates growth. Rather than dread our difficulties, we can learn to welcome them. We can learn to see them as blessings from heaven”

“In every relationship there is an inevitable tension. It is often worse in marriage than other relationships, in part because we share so much—money, time, food, space—even our own bodies.”

“As we are challenged to form our own little Zion, the natural man resists.”

“…every day we decide anew whether to live by the guidelines of the mind of Christ or the imperatives of the natural man.”

“…God has required us to make sacrifices if we are to enjoy that which is most valuable.”

“You will have all kinds of trials to pass through. And it is quite as necessary for you to be tried as it was for Abraham and other men of God, and God will feel after you, and He will take hold of you and wrench your very heart strings, and if you cannot stand it you will not be fit for an inheritance in the Celestial Kingdom of God.”

We must make sacrifices, “soul-stretching payments.”

“The willingness to put our preferences on the altar in obedience to God and service of our partner is a sacrifice filled with grace and truth—goodness and eternal vision. Our sacrifices are the key to our growth and eternal possibilities.”

“Character and companionship do not come without consistent investment. Yet, if we continue to make payments on our relationship, we will be amazed what we get for our ‘sacrifices’.

We ‘sacrifice’ our puny preferences and God rewards us with eternal joy. What a bargain! In Heaven’s economy, so much is gotten for so little!”

“…Jesus is not asking that we be depressed and miserable. I think He is asking that we surrender our demands that things be done our way. In place of being demanding we become agreeable, submissive, cooperative, and appreciative. This is the natural result of allowing Jesus to transform the natural man to the man of Christ.”

“Often we hold our partner to some set of mythical standards (which are both unreasonable and unexpressed!). Inevitably he or she falls short. We feel discontent. We judge our companion as flawed or inferior. Over time this subtle discontent grows into the cancerous assurance that our partner is fatally flawed. With time we can easily convince ourselves that the marriage was a mistake. The cure for cancerous expectations is humble submission—a broken heart and a contrite spirit. This mindset helps us to be better appreciators and more willing leaners. If we listen carefully and learn about our partners’ point of view, we will be enlarged and enriched.”

“We do ALL that we do in the name of the beloved Son. We do it in the spirit of redemptiveness. We do it as a small but meaningful imitation of His sacrifice.” We show our willingness to rescue our spouse by giving up our tiny preferences in favor of our spouse’s blessing.”

“Applying these principles to marriage requires inspiration. Obedience entails a willingness to keep the commandments—whether our partner does or not. Obedience means that we love God with all our hearts. Obedience also requires that we ‘love [our spouse] with all [our] heart, and shalt cleave unto her and none else’ (D&C 42:22). “

“But we soon find that our traditions, expectations, assumptions, and ways of life do not line up. The more time that passes, the more clear the differences.”

The Lord “…will help us create new, better family traditions and learn to enjoy the spices that our partners enjoy.”

“There is real danger in talk of sacrifice of self and preferences. Godly sacrifice is quite a different thing from the world’s kind of submission—giving in and giving up. Passivity is not what God is after. In the world we often encourage people to move from passive compliance to self-respect: ‘Stand up for yourself!’ What we often fail to recognize in the secular world is that there is a level that is still higher than self-respect; it is God-respect. Submitting to God is quite a different thing from being a doormat.”

“Tzvetan Todorov, a social commentator, invites us to think differently: ‘To care about someone does not mean sacrificing one’s time and energy for that person. It means devoting them to the person and taking joy in doing so; in the end, one feels richer for one’s efforts, not poorer.”

“Repentance is simply the process by which we shed the world’s inferior ways and embrace God’s superior ways.”

“When people are upset and angry, they are blind to any position but their own…when people are happy, they communicate adequately….Rather than looking at marriage as a skill issue, let’s consider it as a heart matter. Most adults communicate quite well with other adults when their hearts are soft and they respect one another.”

“We cannot have our eyes on our partner and ourselves at the same time.”

“Obedience and sacrifice, loyalty and love, fidelity and family, all appear in eternal perspective.”

“We can see ourselves reacting in the old way, choose to place our desires on the altar, and beg God to purify them. Then we make a new plan. We bring faith, obedience and sacrifice to the planning.”

My comments:

            I really enjoyed all of our reading and video assignments for this week. I love the principles taught by Gottman as he explains the importance of enhancing love maps and nurturing fondness and admiration in one’s marriage. I also appreciated the chapter on obedience and sacrifice in Goddard’s book. I chose to comment most on Goddard’s book because I feel that his instructions hit home for me.

What sacrifices have you willingly made for the sake of your marriage or spouse?

            The sacrifices that I am willing to make for the sake of my marriage are my sins. I have weaknesses that cause me to stumble and harm my relationship with my husband. I have difficulty with impulse control and anger issues. I feel that if I am able to sacrifice these aspects of my character and replace them with principles of the gospel such as love, understanding, self-control/mastery, patience, and more Christ like characteristics that there is a chance that it will not only transform my character, but also my relationship with my husband. I feel that the “dragging weight of sin” slows or halts my progression and development, not only individually, but collectively as well. It hinders my ability of drawing closer to my Savior and my husband. I cannot become united with them if I am hung up on myself. If I am self-absorbed, there is not room for them to have their influence. I want to remain open and humble, so that I am able to receive what they have to share and I in turn can share my strengths with them. I know that as I obey the commandments of God and repent when I have gone astray that I will be able to fulfill my divine potential and see my marriage flourish.

The dragging weight of sin line comes from James E. Talmage’s book, Jesus the Christ. He describes Christ, “He garnered knowledge by study, and gained wisdom by prayer, thought, and effort. Beyond question He was trained to labor, for idleness was abhorred then as it is now; and every Jewish boy, whether carpenter’s son, peasant’s child, or rabbi’s heir, was required to learn and follow a practical and productive vocation. Jesus was all that a boy should be, for His development was unretarded by the dragging weight of sin; He loved and obeyed the truth and therefore was free.”

I love this quote because it shows how Christ didn’t allow sin to hinder him. He was able to progress continuously because of his sacrifice and obedience to the commandments of God. He was able to enjoy the fruits of his labors that were of a spiritual and eternal nature. He gained greater knowledge and deeper understanding of eternal principles because He didn’t allow the natural man to overcome Him. He overcame the natural man. His example shows us the way to how we can overcome the natural man as well. By following His example, I too can be released from the bondage of sin, of impulsiveness and anger. If I am able to let these go, putting them on the altar, Christ will in turn give me self-control/mastery and calmness. He paid my debt for these sins. If I am able to let them go, then I will be able to fully experience the power of the atonement in my life. It will fill me with light and I can stand firmly planted in the gospel principles which will bless my life and the lives of others.

Four Horsemen

Think of a couple you know well. If married, you could think of your own marriage. Would you say the marriage of this couple is characterized by positive or negative sentiment override? What are the indicators that lead you to draw this conclusion?

            At the beginning of my marriage, my husband and I had a good relationship built upon a positive sentiment override. However, over time we had issues that led to a negative sentiment override. We would get into disagreements, hold our own positions, and display the four horsemen destructive communication patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I would typically display the first three which would cause flooding and stonewalling from my husband. He would become so overwhelmed that he didn’t know what to do. This went on for years, but we had a good foundation of friendship, which I think held us together.

In 2011, we took a conflict management course at the same time, but at different colleges. We would practice the techniques on each other. We truly valued what we had gained from those classes because it taught us constructive communication techniques. We started to view conflict in our relationship as healthy as long as we communicated constructively. I appreciate that time period because it transformed our relationship. We started to communicate better and noticed a dramatic change between the two of us. This change started to affect our character. We began to see how the principles taught about conflict management actually coincided with the principles of the gospel. We continue to seek to implement the principles and techniques, even though we sometimes falter. We know that we can repent and change. I strive to live the gospel principles and focus less on my husband’s faults because he will change for the better as I will with Heavenly Father’s guidance. We have noticed that our friendship has deepened because of our Heavenly Father. We also see that the unity between us has become stronger. We know we are a team and that as we go forward in faith that we will continue to move from the “me” mentality to a “we” mentality.

The central finding of Gottman’s research is that strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic. In fact, Gottman’s whole book has to do with building friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways so that it does not negatively affect friendship. What does Gottman mean by friendship, and exactly why is friendship so important in marriage?

            Gottman states what friendship is in a marriage, husband and wife have “…a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness no just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”

            I love this definition of friendship. I can fully relate to his description. My husband and I are truly best friends. We truly know each other inside and out. We can look at the other and know exactly what the other is thinking. We can discern the needs of the other because of our habitual behaviors. We know each other’s likes and dislikes. We know each other’s hopes and dreams. We know each other’s challenges and needs. We seek to be a teammate instead of an enemy when it comes to responding to one another. We have worked so long and hard at this because at the earlier stages of our marriage we often perceived the other as a threat due to our “me” mentalities. We had to truly become “one” in order to understand the unity that comes with marriage. We are better at doing the “we” thing, but we sometimes get caught up in our own aspirations that we lose sight of our relationship. I feel that it takes constant attention and requires us to place it as a high priority, otherwise my marriage will suffer. Even this last week, I have noticed how I have engaged in the four horsemen because I have been slacking in being proactive with our constructive communication. I am better at catching myself though. I often call myself out when I am thinking about or engaging in those patterns. 

 

Google search of images, “four horsemen in communication.”

Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/496944140106438682/