Four Horsemen

Think of a couple you know well. If married, you could think of your own marriage. Would you say the marriage of this couple is characterized by positive or negative sentiment override? What are the indicators that lead you to draw this conclusion?

            At the beginning of my marriage, my husband and I had a good relationship built upon a positive sentiment override. However, over time we had issues that led to a negative sentiment override. We would get into disagreements, hold our own positions, and display the four horsemen destructive communication patterns of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I would typically display the first three which would cause flooding and stonewalling from my husband. He would become so overwhelmed that he didn’t know what to do. This went on for years, but we had a good foundation of friendship, which I think held us together.

In 2011, we took a conflict management course at the same time, but at different colleges. We would practice the techniques on each other. We truly valued what we had gained from those classes because it taught us constructive communication techniques. We started to view conflict in our relationship as healthy as long as we communicated constructively. I appreciate that time period because it transformed our relationship. We started to communicate better and noticed a dramatic change between the two of us. This change started to affect our character. We began to see how the principles taught about conflict management actually coincided with the principles of the gospel. We continue to seek to implement the principles and techniques, even though we sometimes falter. We know that we can repent and change. I strive to live the gospel principles and focus less on my husband’s faults because he will change for the better as I will with Heavenly Father’s guidance. We have noticed that our friendship has deepened because of our Heavenly Father. We also see that the unity between us has become stronger. We know we are a team and that as we go forward in faith that we will continue to move from the “me” mentality to a “we” mentality.

The central finding of Gottman’s research is that strong marriages have strong friendship as a defining characteristic. In fact, Gottman’s whole book has to do with building friendship and dealing with conflict in healthy ways so that it does not negatively affect friendship. What does Gottman mean by friendship, and exactly why is friendship so important in marriage?

            Gottman states what friendship is in a marriage, husband and wife have “…a mutual respect and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quirks, hopes, and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness no just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.”

            I love this definition of friendship. I can fully relate to his description. My husband and I are truly best friends. We truly know each other inside and out. We can look at the other and know exactly what the other is thinking. We can discern the needs of the other because of our habitual behaviors. We know each other’s likes and dislikes. We know each other’s hopes and dreams. We know each other’s challenges and needs. We seek to be a teammate instead of an enemy when it comes to responding to one another. We have worked so long and hard at this because at the earlier stages of our marriage we often perceived the other as a threat due to our “me” mentalities. We had to truly become “one” in order to understand the unity that comes with marriage. We are better at doing the “we” thing, but we sometimes get caught up in our own aspirations that we lose sight of our relationship. I feel that it takes constant attention and requires us to place it as a high priority, otherwise my marriage will suffer. Even this last week, I have noticed how I have engaged in the four horsemen because I have been slacking in being proactive with our constructive communication. I am better at catching myself though. I often call myself out when I am thinking about or engaging in those patterns. 

 

Google search of images, “four horsemen in communication.”

Source: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/496944140106438682/